MrVLP never stood a chance. From the moment he first encountered InstaBaddie711, he was defenseless. She came in with guns blazing, firing on all cylinders- an absolute vision. She came in like a wrecking ball. He succumbed to her charms almost instantly.
This first encounter occurred, of course, on
Instagram. Because as you know, that’s where everything goes down. Given her
selfies-posted-per day-stats, it was evident that she was vain. But given her bust-waist-hip
stats, it was evident that her vanity was warranted. If vanity could be
justified, InstaBaddie711 justified it. She had full lips, dimples, almond
shaped eyes, long lashes, flawless skin and an amazing figure. She also had a
MAC contour kit, Ben Nye banana powder, a waist trainer, a Samsung S6 edge
camera with the beauty face mode and Valencia, LoFi and Nashville. So no, MrVLP
never stood a chance.
***
Of course, MrVLP was weary of meeting InstaBaddie711
in real life. He was no fool. He knew that people could look very different
from their online pictures. She could be a 100 pounds heavier with missing
teeth. She could even be a completely different person- a middle aged mum from
Wichita, Texas trying to get her groove back. Or a teenage girl from the house
next door just trying to get her groove. She might smell like feet. That’s the
thing with pictures. Even real pictures. They can’t tell you if someone smells
like feet. MrVLP was very weary.
When he and InstaBaddie711 finally met he was
relieved. Without XPRO II, Perpetua or Clarendon, she was still a slayer. And smelled
like fresh roses.
InstaBaddie711 had come to that first meeting
prepared. She was no fool either. She always stayed beat but on this particular
day she was beat to capacity. Her unprocessed virgin Indian hair wig was on
point and her baby hair was laid. Contour was giving life without parole. And
her highlight was slaying honay, yas! I’m sure you already know it, but out of
an abundance of caution, I will just reconfirm that her eyebrows, were in fact,
on fleek. She only hoped that MrVLP himself was not a catfish. When she found
out he wasn’t either of those, she was relieved herself.
Both parties having experienced equal and equivalent
relief, their love story began.
***
Three months later, MrVLP and Instabaddie711 had
crossed many mile stones. They had kissed. More than kissed. Started officially
dating. Met each other’s friends. Started watching TV shows together. She’d
seen him wear the same clothes all weekend. And he’d seen her with no makeup.
Or more accurately, in a “no-makeup” makeup look. Things were progressing.
Still there were many milestones that had not yet been
crossed- He had never seen a single strand of hair on her pits, legs, or bikini
area. They had definitely not seen each other’s pay stubs or bank account
balances. And he had actually never seen her without at least a slight slayer
layer or her with her wig off
But still, they were only three months in. And things
were going great. InstaBaddie711 was not sure if MrVLP was the perfect guy for
her yet but things were definitely progressing.
***
Then one summer day, much like many summer days before
it, MrVLP and InstaBaddie711 got invited out to an outing with MrVLP’s family. It was going to be at a water park. MrVLP’s siblings,
their spouses, kids and several other family friends and their kids were all
going. It was apparently something they did with the kids every summer.
Since you know that InstaBaddie711 was a girl who
always stayed beat, you may be worried for her. But don’t be. I know. You’ve
probably seen those memes that say to take a girl swimming on the first date so
that her makeup comes off and you get to see what she really looks like. But here’s
an exclusive for you- that doesn’t work. Unless you are doing your makeup with Crayola
watercolors, your makeup will not just slide off your face because you get in a
pool. Besides, InstaBaddie711 was a sharp girl. She would just take extra
precaution. Waterproof makeup was invented for a reason, She was all for it. As
a matter of fact, she was excited. She had a mint swim bathing suit that she
had been looking for an excuse to wear. She also had been religiously drinking
her weight loss teas, waist training and doing her squats, so it was her time
to shine. InstaBaddie711 put on waterproof makeup and pulled her wig on tight- it
was going to be a fun day.
***
The Boomerango might seem like a fun little innocent park
ride for kindergarteners. After all its name is derived from a toy loved by many
kindergarteners all over the world. But it is not just a fun little innocent
ride for kids. It is a life threatening death defying experience for grown men
only. The crazy folks at the water park got together and decided to put people
in a small water raft that would shoot
wildly through a dark tunnel several feet above the ground and then shoot them way
up into the sky before bringing them straight back down and dumping them into a
plunge pool. A bunch of folks even crazier than the crazy water park folks paid
their hard earned money and lined up for hours on a hot summer day to allow
this happen to them.
MrVLP, InstaBaddie711 and their group were among these
crazy folks. They stood in line for 34 minutes and walked past the huge
disclaimer in front of the Boomerango without more than a sweeping glance. InstaBaddie711
did look it over briefly and it seemed fine: 3 years old and older. 48” tall
and over. Personal floatation device required. Glasses with straps permitted. Not
recommended for pregnant women, people with heart conditions, back problems,
neck problems, people afraid of heights… and definitely not recommended for
people with an iota of common sense.
Finally, it was their turn. InstaBaddie711 felt some
anxiety but she gave herself a quick pep talk, “If 3 years old can do this
ride, so can I.” She took a deep breath and hopped into the raft. It was go
time.
***
It happened gradually. She first felt a cool breeze
slip underneath her wig and caress her scalp. It was a strange sensation. It
had been a long time since her scalp had felt any form of breeze. And then all
of a sudden, before her brain could communicate to her hands that it was time
to divide and conquer- hold on to the raft (and her life) with her left hand
hand and hold on to the wig (and her dignity) with her right, she heard a loud
whoosh. Her scalp was completely wet and she could feel the cold right down to
her skull. It felt like a baptism. InstaBaddie711 was still trying to figure
out what was going on when the Boomerango hoisted her up into the air and then deposited
her into the plunge pool below sans wig. And that was how InstaBaddie711 got
her wig literally snatched by a park ride for 3 year olds. Perhaps, it would
have helped, if the disclaimer had specified, “Not recommended for people who
wear wigs and wish to hold on to their dignity.”
The fact that InstaBaddie711 hadn’t combed her hair in
weeks did not help much. She let out a loud piercing scream. It was not a cute
fun “oh, I’m having a terrific time at the park” scream. It was a blood
curdling “a masked man is stabbing me in the oesophagus and I;m about to die”
scream.
What InstaBaddie711 did after she landed in the plunge
pool wigless, is still being discussed today by every man, woman and child who
witnessed the event. InstaBaddie711 went underwater and refused to resurface. She
should have been a navy seal sniper. Sure, they can hold their breath
underwater for two minutes without releasing a single bubble but InstaBaddie711
must have been down there for at least fifteen. She stayed put trying to
calculate her next move.
And then she heard MrVLP’s voice yelling, “Where is
it?!! Who has it? Is that it there? WHO HAS SEEN A WIG ANYWHERE? It is brown
and curly!!!”
InstaBaddie711 was tempted to just open her mouth at
that point, start swallowing the chlorine treated water and drown already.
She could hear MrVLP yelling at his friends, his
brothers and their wives, “Have you people not seen it? Ah ah! Look for it now!”
Then InstaBaddie711 heard another voice yelling, “We
have a Code 1040!” Then a loud whistle, a big splash and all a sudden a
lifeguard was tugging at her.
Could this honestly get any worse? InstaBaddie711
pushed and pulled but the lifeguard had a strong grip. She was trying to give
him a swift knee to the groin but all twenty hours of self defence classes she
had attended had not prepared her for how to attack an “assailant” while under
water and trying not to
resurface. Eventually, InstaBaddie711 was able to wiggle out of his grip and
swim further away.
The lifeguard tried to follow her but MrVLP stopped
him, “Leave her alone. She’s ok.”
The lifeguard stopped mid breast stroke in absolute
confusion, “But…”
“She’s fine.” MrVLP interjected. “Just leave her.”
Just then an older white lady pointed at a heap of
floating brown curls a couple of feet away, “Is that what you are looking for?”
“Yes!” MrVLP’s voice was overcome with relief,
excitement and gratitude, “Thank you!!”
He grabbed it and took it to InstaBaddie711. Wordlessly,
she took put it back on and they walked out of the pool hand in hand while
several bemused spectators looked on.
When they got out of the pool, the lifeguard asked
them to fill out an incident report which was both hilarious and humiliating
depending on which way you choose to look at it. Once the report was complete,
they started to walk back towards the rest of their group.
But MrVLP stopped dead in his track and looked at InstaBaddie711.
She looked at his face, studying it. Waiting for him to show some sign of embarrassment,
for a clue that he was ashamed. He studied her face too. His eyes narrowed and
brows creased in concentration. He started to say something then stopped,
studying her face even closer.
What now? InstaBaddie711 wondered. She felt a sudden
panic rising in her chest. Oh God! Had
her right eyebrow disintegrated in the brouhaha?
Finally MrVLP spoke, “It’s not straight.”
What? Before she could react, he reached out and
tugged on the right side of her wig.
InstaBaddie711 giggled nervously then readjusted it
properly.
MrVLP stepped back, looked at her and nodded his
approval, “Perfect.”
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